Ambiguously Gay Candidate Admits to Telling "Serious Lie"

In the 4-way South Carolina gubernatorial primary, the ambiguously gay André Bauer is polling in 4th place. In a desperate attempt to gain traction, Bauer has planted himself firmly in the middle of a fiery controversy over unsubstantiated rumors about Nikki Haley's private life.

Bauer has insisted that he has had nothing to do with the malicious gossip, and he took a polygraph test today to "prove" his innocence. There's one small problem: The document he provided doesn't prove much of anything ― except a history of telling serious lies. Questions about the sex blab that was leaked by Bauer's consultant, Larry Marchant, were nebulous:

So we know Bauer is a "serious" liar, but we don't really know much of anything else. The polygraph test explored some interesting territory, but the questions are conveniently ambiguous. The polygraph report repeatedly refers to "that information," but there's no reference to what "that information" is.

"That information" ostensibly would be Larry Marchant's unproven claim of having had an affair with Bauer's leading opponent, Nikki Haley ― but who can say for sure?

One thing we can say for sure is that Bauer sidestepped the issue of his epic sexual history. Bauer promised to address via polygraph the issue of his storied sexual exploits with the same sex, but he has apparently reneged on that pledge.

Tomorrow, the votes will be cast. We'll soon know whether André Bauer's antics paid off.

More

Andre Bauer: Sacred Honor Demands I Prove That Privately-Administered Bought-and-Paid-For Lie Detector Tests Are Rubbish

South Carolina Primary Election Results